16 MARCH
today is the 7th day of my grandma's death. my parents are heading over to the uncle's place to pray. I very much want to go but again, the projects are piling up like madness. it's about time I tell myself to screw the grades and spend time with the family.
my dad went to work early in the morning first and came back home to fetch my mum to the uncle's place. he saw breakfast, bought from the coffeeshop, on the table. and he said to me 'mummy is so nice, isn't it? she gets you guys breakfast even before she leaves the house." and I know he misses his mum again. thinking it would probably make him feel better, I told him I was the one who bought the breakfast not my mother, which is the truth.
Alicia, u need to stop crying everyday?!
14 MARCH
男儿有泪不轻弹， 只因未到伤心处
have you heard your dad cry out loud before?
I have, today. when he stood beside his mother's coffin... It was heartbreaking... and I can't begin to tell u how sorry I felt. One should always love their grandparents and spend time with them. It's not out-dated, it's not old fashion, it's love for your family.
11 MARCH 2013
sometimes we just need something to put our perspectives in place and notice our surroundings. grandma has just passed away due to old age, and it just made me realise that sometimes there is no second chance, no 'wait, I will do it next time when I have more time'. for several years, I haven't been very willing in visiting her because we couldn't really communicate, there was a language barrier, I can't speak Hokkien and she is not very fluent in Mandarin and there was always the awkward moment when she spoke to me and I couldn't understand or reply her. I've always been thinking when my Hokkien is better, I will be able to speak more to her. Secondly, it takes time from my precious weekend to go visit her. I love my personal time too much to give some away for other purposes. And then, I admit I am not very fond of old folks. I KNOW I SHOULDN'T BE FEELING LIKE THIS! But I don't know where I get the impression that old folks smell and are dirty. My grandmother, being very old, couldn't really hear clearly anymore. And I was always told to speak loudly into her ears, but I'm always afraid I would hurt them. Such mixed thoughts have caused me to visit her lesser with each passing year. But I have always thought that I will improve next time. I have taken her presence for granted. Now that she is gone now, I truly feel the loss. Ah ma, I love u.
Daddy had been telling me since one or two years ago that I should keep my grandma company more often because she probably wouldn't have many years ahead anymore. He showed me her hands and told me to look at the veins, they are like MRT tracks, and that how thin her skin has become. I saw how my dad always held her hands when we visited her each time. I saw the bond they had, I saw the love they share. Yet it never seem to resonate within me and that this kinship is important. The relatives just held the 85th birthday celebration for her last week. I went, but left earlier than my parents because I felt I had work to do. Before I left, I sort of showed an unpleasant expression. Now it's all to late to make amendments, to show appreciation. I felt her fingers when she was in the hospital a few days ago. They were so cold. I terribly regretful now.
Now, Alicia, bear this and do better! U have one more grandparent left, the one and only left.
this incident also made me notice how much my parents have aged themselves and it's time to do more to take care of them before it's too late.
9 MARCH 2013
Ah Ma passed away at 11:50pm tonight. I didn't feel sad, the heart wasn't wrenching, but tears wouldn't stop flowing...
__________________________________________________________________
